This is my post on post partum depression.
Before I had Claire, I was that girl that didn’t really buy into the whole PPD thing. I never really thought much about it.
The first four months were quite possibly the hardest of my life. She cried all the time. She never slept more than three hours at the time. She had severe reflux. She was so opposite from Caroline. She made me feel like a novice at something I was really good at…..or so I thought. Claire tested me daily. I used to sit on the bed in tears as my little girl looked up at me screaming in pain. I tried everything I could think of to make her feel better. I called my momma several times a day begging for her to give me answers. We went back to the doctor repeatedly for weight checks. She was barely in the third percentile of her weight the first 9 weeks and didn’t regain back to her birth weight until week 10. I was starting to feel helpless and there were times I was certain she just didn’t want me as her mom. I cried. I screamed. I had fits of rage. I threw things. I never put my girls in harm’s way, but behind closed doors, I was unraveling at a super rapid pace. I felt anxious all the time. I started snapping at Chris and Caroline. I cancelled my 6 week post delivery checkup because I was so uninterested in getting a checkup, going on birth control, and to be honest, every time we took Claire out in public, we felt like we were on borrowed time. It was a given that she was going to melt down. I was in misery. I shudder at the thought of this memory, but at one point, I handed her to Chris and told her “I don’t want to do this anymore.” I felt hopeless.
I decided to go to the dr. I talked to him, explained all I was going through and he said ‘you’ve got post partum depression.’ I explained my concerns about medications and how I really felt like a lot of my anxiety was from Claire being so sick. Long story short, after 6 weeks of going back for consults, one dosage increase, and a lot of time praying, I finally felt like me again. I got my motivation back, Claire started gaining weight, she’s outgrown the colic and although the reflux is still a daily battle, she handles it like a champ. She’s now the pleasant, playful little bundle I knew she would be. She’s my ‘little bear.’
What have I learned? Asking for help is not shameful. Getting medicated especially after having a baby is normal. Hormones can be your worst enemy, and above all…..there is a lot to be said for keeping your faith. I don’t plan to stay on the PPD meds forever, but for right now, it’s what is best for me and my family.
The girls are happy. The girls have a happy momma. Chris has his happy, playful wife back. And I have renewed faith in myself as a mom.
